the necklace

if any of you remember this short story, the first character to remember in this story is of course, mathilde. when i first read this story, i felt that she is really demanding too much. why can't she be happy with what she have?

"The girl was one of those pretty and charming young creatures who sometimes are born, as if by a slip of fate, into a family of clerks. She had no dowry, no expectations, no way of being known, understood, loved, married by any rich and distinguished man; so she let herself be married to a little clerk of the Ministry of Public Instruction.

She dressed plainly because she could not dress well, but she was unhappy as if she had really fallen from a higher station; since with women there is neither caste nor rank, for beauty, grace and charm take the place of family and birth. Natural ingenuity, instinct for what is elegant, a supple mind are their sole hierarchy, and often make of women of the people the equals of the very greatest ladies."

she really is something. to think that she doesn't belong to that social class which she was born to is like holding a grudge against fate or luck or something like that. i thought this is just pure fiction and things like these won't happen in real life.

"Mathilde suffered ceaselessly, feeling herself born to enjoy all delicacies and all luxuries. She was distressed at the poverty of her dwelling, at the bareness of the walls, at the shabby chairs, the ugliness of the curtains. All those things, of which another woman of her rank would never even have been conscious, tortured her and made her angry. The sight of the little Breton peasant who did her humble housework aroused in her despairing regrets and bewildering dreams. She thought of silent antechambers hung with Oriental tapestry, illumined by tall bronze candelabra, and of two great footmen in knee breeches who sleep in the big armchairs, made drowsy by the oppressive heat of the stove. She thought of long reception halls hung with ancient silk, of the dainty cabinets containing priceless curiosities and of the little coquettish perfumed reception rooms made for chatting at five o'clock with intimate friends, with men famous and sought after, whom all women envy and whose attention they all desire."

for someone to really suffer, to torture herself with this is ridiculous i'd say. BUT now, i'm going against what i thought impossible. i never knew i will think that i'm born into the wrong social status. but i'm not looking at bareness of walls or shabby chairs or ugly curtains. i'm looking at the emptiness in me and the situation i'm in now instead. maybe the empty heart, the hopeless soul, and the always-so-low self esteem.

maybe all these are caused by comparison? "All those things, of which another woman of her rank would never even have been conscious, tortured her and made her angry." maybe she is comparing with higher ranking people...perhaps some ministers' wife. and if mathilde wants silk and perfumed reception rooms and oriental tapestry, it's self satisfaction that i'm looking for. i'm always comparing myself to other people. i want to live their life. it seems that they are always doing things they like, and they can have things that they want. frustrates me alot!

to see my friends leave one after another made things worse...maybe i'm hoping, wishing, craving too much but i wanna go out from this freaking place too...i want to have things i want...i want to be with people i want...i want to do things i want!! but with the big financial constraint and the level of self confidence i have, i don't think i deserve to have anything i want...all those just won't happen...i can just 'experience' it through my friends who are already out there, tasting every moment that i long to have...

people may think i'm crazy for putting myself into this situation, this predicament, but this is what i want...this is what i wanna do. call me a sour grape but that's what i want...if not for the money thing, i don't think i'll be staying here, i'll be in somewhere else. if not for all these limitations, i won't be so down and moody everyday...
i hope i can outlive this moody thing, this mathilde-situation thing. it's not helping me in any way at all...